Sometimes I don’t know if I am ever in the right place.
The generic, perfect world I want often lacks the straightforward answer I need. A reality check shows how much a happy place makes me wish that time would stop. As for the bad ones, that time would take it all away.
Storms will arrive and shake up our well-placed petals. Now, quotes like “Grow where you are planted” seem important to consider.
I mean, if we only see more of one side (good or bad), what will become of us?
So no matter what, these places are attached to me
for a reason. And in due course, the good, the bad, and the in-between situations, only prove to reveal how we will truly grow and continue in our life.
The Good
It was the day I was going into my first interview, my first entry into the job market. I was scared but hopeful. Everything that I had prepped for was here at this moment, and I’d say that it was a good place that left a lasting impression.
If I had to reflect on that moment, I noticed that I don’t remember what specifically happened. All I knew was that I had a wave of relief when it was all done. I could let loose, and I felt everything was all right. And that was falsely enough for me.
I felt that it was natural, that this good moment was or should be automatic. From when I was going into the job market until I was able to get the position I was looking for, my growth was clear.
But, what am I trying to convey? What does this good do for us?
Whether it is accomplishing a skill, achieving a goal, this good was evident to me. It was so evident that it made me shrug it off and move on to the next goal or obstacle at hand.
Consequently, I forgot what I had accomplished. We forget, we overlook, we get over those moments so quickly. But in terms of developing as a person, that is what I missed.
Immediately moving on has led me to look past the gratitude and the pat on the back I needed for myself. Just as they are called good, they are positive checkpoints in our life that help reinforce who we are.
There is a reason why we may have the urge to write ourselves a letter and open it 10 years later. Or, save a capstone to highlight the good places we’ve been. Where I am now versus where I was 10 years ago, holds a lot of worth in seeing my growth. It’s as if they were saying, “Hey, you made it, so let’s celebrate!” So, let’s not move on from our good places too quickly without considering their value. It’s okay to stay there for a while. It is okay to stick with our roots planted for a while. Until we begin our next destination, we deserve to reflect more on the good. In turn, these places will always be a guide to getting us back on track and owning our lives.
The Bad
Now, we can’t talk about the good without bringing up the bad. For these moments in my life, I was most likely to obsess and dwell on them too much. Most of us have known or have been experiencing how challenging the job market has been. Since the last point of my life of getting a good position to then transitioning, it has been extremely overwhelming.
The time I spent trying to find a way to shift my career while unemployed led me to experience a great sense of loss in myself. Instead of gaining the experience and the desired income I wanted, I was stuck in a losing mindset. And everyday, it was necessary to establish a routine.
During my period of unemployment, my 8 to 5 was dedicated to applying to jobs, creating accounts, and networking to no avail. The rest of my day was used to distract myself from knowing the stability I lacked. I would continue to filter out rejection emails that started out as an understandable outcome to an immense joke. If you were like me, checking Reddit became an echo chamber as many were/are experiencing similar situations.
I felt vulnerable. I felt drained. I felt restricted. That bad place made me feel that I was worthless. It was to the point where I believed that that moment defined me as a person.
So, what does this bad moment mean for me? What does it convey? The bad places cause us to struggle and contemplate our decisions. They make us battle with who we are as a person. Whether it is from a moment consisting of minor mistakes or on a larger scale, experiencing a loss of someone, these places stay with me too much. That is not a healthy way of understanding the situation.
It is extremely difficult to get through, but these places are meant to shape us. Since there is no straight answer, we are then the ones who can choose how to move past and handle them again in the future. In my case, I chose to keep finding ways to stay grounded until I was able to get to where I wanted to be. I fell but continuously moved forward.
And that is how it is. Sometimes washing off the mud on our roots is important, but as we do it, we realize that these tough times never truly last. They highlight our true selves. So like the good places, the bad, help us build our strength and use them to continue leading our lives.
The Gray Area – Taking A Step Back
There is a saying that nothing is ever black or white… and so, what if it is all a mix? What if it is good and bad? Or, that it is just stagnant?
In moments of time, we are in a place where nothing is necessarily good or bad. It’s all just okay. For myself, after getting out of unemployment, I was left with wanting more but not being able to do so. I was able to get the next job I wanted, but it was still lacking and just not enough for me. I was not satisfied, but deep down I knew I had been at it everyday.
And, that was when I realized that I was at my limit. This feeling of being in between something can happen to anyone. Whether you are stuck in a block, you don’t know where to go next in your life, you are in a hard position, time seems to pause even when you want to keep moving. For me, it felt as if I was not necessarily rising or falling, not achieving or failing, and not accomplished or disappointed.
This all showed that I was exhausted. It all feels like I have overexerted how much I can take as a person. My mind seems to be rushing, but my body is tired. My mind is on overdrive, and my body is uncomfortable. At this point, I have to be brutally honest with myself on where I stand. I am not taking care of myself enough.
What then does this gray area in my life do for me? How do I continue living if I am feeling this pause and heaviness?
From there, I understood that it was important to take a step back and collect myself. It was time to reflect on it all. Like a puzzle piece, I pieced together the journey I had so far in my early stages of employment.
The good moments highlighted how I had successfully achieved a career step, and that I have been through the process before. The bad moments showed that I was in a place where no matter how I tried, the situation at hand was not advantageous for me. But, I still went through with it. So with this time at hand, I have experienced growth in me. My growth symbolizes my continuous effort of all sizes, and they are ultimately part of me.
During these moments, I also believe that they are precious and worth appreciating more. When will we ever have the time again to reflect on those places we have been? Most importantly, when will we be able to rest? In my case, I have now been planted in this space. It is time for me to acknowledge and accept these places. It was time to let my mind rest for a while until I can use new ideas towards my plans for the future. So these gray areas, then, let my nature play its course until I am ready to take control of my life again.
Where I Belong
Sometimes I guess I’ll never truly know if I am in the right place, but that shouldn’t deter me from accepting where I have been and will be.
My employment journey is only starting but it has held many types of places that seem to always stick by my side. But if I have learned anything, I know that I belong to all those places: the places with joy, the places with trauma, the places with just an “okay” feeling.
It is hard to interpret the quote “Grow where you are planted”, but that is a part of the quest to understand who we are. It all comes down to all those moments: the places we’ve been, the place we are, and the places we will be. With each situation, some places have more impact than others, some places seem to stay with us longer, but that all means that it is shaping us, building us, and morphing us to a new version of ourselves. And, we are the ones who have the power and control on how they will impact us.
So at the end of the day, I am willing to say that I am proud of those moments that seem to stay with me. I am proud to call all these blooming moments “mine”.
And wholeheartedly to myself, I would say, “I am proud of you for continuing to grow towards the person you aspire to be, so go easy on yourself”.
