Parenting often comes with promises. You tell your child you’ll grab ice cream after practice or reward good grades with a special treat. 

At the time, it seems like a simple way to motivate them or brighten their day. But to children, promises are not casual. They’re important.

For a child, a promise is a sign of trust. It’s their way of knowing you mean what you say and that they can count on you. When you keep your word, it reassures them that they matter. They feel valued and secure. Breaking a promise, even unintentionally, can do the opposite. It leaves them wondering if they can rely on you when it really counts.

As parents, life gets busy, and it’s easy to think a missed promise is no big deal. You assume your child will understand. But those moments stick with them. Every kept promise builds trust and strengthens your connection. Every broken one can chip away at that bond.

This post will explore why promises hold so much weight in parenting. It will show how honoring them can shape your child’s confidence, your relationship, and the values they carry into adulthood.

The Power of Promises

From the moment they’re born, children begin piecing together how the world works and where they fit into it. Promises become a key part of that process.

• Building Trust and Security: When you keep your promises, you show your child they can rely on you. This creates a sense of security that helps them feel safe and supported, especially during uncertain times. A secure environment gives them the emotional stability they need to grow and thrive.
• Creating Bonds: Promises also strengthen your bond. Following through shows your child they matter, building trust and dependability between you. This connection lays the foundation for open communication and mutual respect as they grow older.

Example: Take, for example, a simple promise to visit the zoo. Following through isn’t just about the trip—it’s about your child feeling valued. It shows them they can trust you, building a strong emotional connection. They begin to associate promises with positive outcomes and learn the importance of keeping their word.

Keeping promises isn’t just about the moment—it’s about shaping who your child becomes.

The Emotional Impact of Broken Promises

Breaking promises might seem minor, but to children, it can have a lasting impact:

• Loss of Trust: When a promise is broken, it can feel like a betrayal. Children may experience disappointment, hurt, or even a loss of trust. Over time, this can erode their ability to rely on others. They might withdraw, feel anxious, or struggle to form secure relationships with peers and authority figures.
• Domino Effect: According to Lotus Psychotherapy, “When parents fail to keep their promises, children may develop a sense of distrust. They might start to believe that their parents’ words are meaningless, leading to a lack of confidence in other areas of their lives.”This can affect how they interact with teachers, friends, or anyone in a position of authority.

Example: Consider missing a school play after promising to attend. For a child, it’s more than a missed event. It can feel like rejection, damaging their self-esteem and trust in you. Over time, repeated broken promises can lead to deeper insecurities and a reluctance to believe in future assurances.

“People with strong relationships rank higher in emotional intelligence and are more likely to stay loyal to their commitments. Whether the commitment is to yourself or to someone else, making a promise is a commitment that you will keep your word. It is a commitment that reinforces trust.” (Promises Behavioral Health)

Personal Experience: The Impact of Broken Promises

As a kid, I was often motivated by the promises my parents made. Whether it was a small reward for doing chores or a treat for finishing a task, those promises kept me focused. They were like little carrots, encouraging me to give my best.

But not every promise was kept. Sometimes, when I tried to claim a reward, my parents would say they didn’t remember making the promise or that they were joking. Those moments stung more than I realized at the time. It wasn’t just about missing the reward—it made me question if my efforts were even worth it.

One memory that still stands out is tied to piano practice. 

My parents told me I could play 30 minutes of any video game for every hour I practiced. As a kid who loved gaming, this policy immediately motivated me to play more piano. But more often than not, when I went to claim my reward, the rules would change, or my time would be cut short. Over time, this inconsistency chipped away at my enthusiasm. I started asking myself, “Why try so hard if the reward isn’t guaranteed?”

Looking back, those experiences taught me how deeply broken promises can affect a child. It’s not just about a missed reward—it’s about trust. When promises are broken, they send a message about reliability and consistency, shaping how a child views effort, commitment, and even relationships.

Teaching Integrity and Values

Keeping promises isn’t just about maintaining trust; it’s an opportunity to teach essential values.

• Setting an Example: Following through on commitments shows children the importance of integrity and accountability. They learn that their words carry weight and that reliability matters in all areas of life.
• Learning Responsibility: Promises also demonstrate responsibility and reliability. Children see the importance of being dependable and the impact of their actions on others. They learn that reliability is not something you are born with but rather an important aspect of their interactions and relationships.

Example: When you promise to help your child with their homework and follow through, you’re teaching them the value of responsibility and commitment. The next time they promise to help a classmate or a friend, they will more than likely fulfill that promise. This approach to schoolwork, friendships, and other commitments is very beneficial in the long run.

Understanding Promises

Parents often have a way of sidestepping responsibility by pointing out they never actually said the words, “I promise.“

But promises aren’t about starting with these two words. It’s about showing any type of commitment and following through on what you say.

• Commitment: Promises are essentially commitments telling your child what you will do. Those who keep their promises often have strong relationships and rank higher in emotional intelligence. This is because their actions align with their words, reinforcing their reliability and fostering a sense of trust.
• Avoiding Empty Promises: Promises should never be made to end a conversation or because you’re tired or frustrated. These empty promises might make the current situation easier to handle but will damage trust and lead to disappointment in the long run. It’s essential to make promises thoughtfully and only commit to what you can realistically deliver.

Practical Tips for Keeping Promises

Here are some actionable tips to ensure you keep your promises:

• Be Realistic and Thoughtful: Before making a promise, consider if you can actually do it or not. Avoid committing to something you can’t deliver on, especially under pressure. Think about your schedule, resources, and the potential impact on your child.
• Prioritize Consistency: Consistency is key to building trust, and even small commitments matter. If you say you’ll attend their soccer games more often, show up consistently to reinforce your reliability. Small actions can have a significant impact on your child’s perception of your dependability.
• Communicate Changes: If you’re unable to keep a promise, communicate openly and honestly each time. Explain the reasons and reassure your child of your ongoing support. Transparency helps maintain trust and shows that you at least gave some effort and value their feelings and expectations.
• Acknowledge and Apologize: If a promise is broken, acknowledge the impact on your child. Apologize sincerely and try to see what you can do to make it seem like you feel bad about it. This demonstrates accountability and teaches the importance of owning up to mistakes. What you should not do is make another promise you cannot fulfill!

Example: If you promised to help with a school project but have to cancel due to work, explain the situation to your child and offer to make it up by spending extra time on the project the following weekend. This approach demonstrates your commitment to maintaining trust and makes amends for the broken promise.

The Asian Cultural Perspective

In many Asian families, keeping promises is more than just doing what you say. It is a fundamental part of life that reflects honor and respect. From an early age, children are heavily punished if they are caught lying and are taught that keeping their word is essential, not only to build trust but also to maintain strong relationships.

• Cultural Values: In cultures influenced by Confucianism, such as Chinese, Korean, and Japanese, your word is everything. It can be socially frowned upon if you are associated with lying. Promises are often viewed as a moral obligation and breaking them can lead to a loss of face or respect. This cultural perspective underscores the importance of integrity and reliability in familial and social relationships.
• Family Dynamics: In traditional Asian families, the parents hold a prominent place as figures of authority. They are not equal to their children and deserve greater respect. Still, the promises made to their children are usually taken seriously. Parents who consistently follow through on their promises are seen as respectful and honorable, reinforcing their authority and positive relationship with their children. The emphasis on honor and respect in these cultures highlights the importance of keeping promises as a means of maintaining familial harmony and trust.

Example: The story of Jizi of Yanling, passed down for over 2,000 years in Asian history, captures the enduring significance of honoring commitments. Jizi, a man of great moral integrity during the Spring and Autumn period, promised to gift his prized sword to the Lord of Xu after completing a diplomatic mission. When he returned to find the Lord had passed away, Jizi fulfilled his vow by hanging the sword on a willow tree at the Lord’s tomb. This act demonstrated not only his unwavering integrity but also the deep cultural reverence for keeping promises, even in the face of personal loss.

The Long-Term Benefits of Keeping Promises

Keeping promises has long-term benefits for both parents and children:

• Stronger Relationships: Regularly keeping promises builds a relationship founded on trust and respect. 
• Enhanced Self-Esteem: You might be the grown-up in the room, but your child needs to know that their feelings and needs are respected. Children with parents who treat them with respect are much more likely to develop strong self-esteem and confidence.
• Development of Integrity: Children learn from their parents, and few lessons are more important than teaching the value of integrity and responsibility. They carry these values into their own lives and relationships. Just as you would hope they keep their promise to care for you as you age, remember that your integrity shapes them into dependable and trustworthy individuals.

Example: A child who grows up seeing their parents consistently keep their promises is more likely to value and practice integrity in their own relationships and commitments. This practice fosters a positive cycle of trust and reliability in their interactions with others.

Make a Promise to Yourself Today

Keeping promises isn’t important just because it’s the right thing to do. Sure, it might be morally significant, but we are focusing here on its potential to build a stronger relationship with your child. 

Every promise kept is a step towards a stronger, more resilient bond that will make them trust, love, and respect you throughout their lives.

So next time you are about to make a promise, just remember to take a second and think about if you are truly ok with holding up your end of the deal. If you can just do this, you’re one step closer to building a legacy of trust and integrity that your child will carry with them forever.