As a society, we have shifted in our approach to parenting, particularly in how we allow our children to handle failure.
To put it simply, we have stopped letting our kids fail.
Children are often shaped by the thoughts, actions, and success standards of their caregivers.
- We want them to succeed in all they do.
- We want to shield them from discomfort.
- We want to put them on the smoothest path to success.
But in doing so, we risk denying them one of the most important lessons in life: the value of learning from failure.
The True Value of Failure
By not allowing children to experience failure, we rob them of essential life skills.
“Not learning to tolerate failure leaves kids vulnerable to anxiety. It leads to meltdowns when the inevitable failure does occur, whether it happens in preschool or college.” (Arky)
- Resilience Building: Failure has a way of teaching resilience—the kind of strength that doesn’t break easily. When kids fall short, it’s like they’re given a small, safe chance to practice getting back up. They start to understand that, while stumbling isn’t fun, it doesn’t have to stop them. These little moments show them that life’s twists and turns don’t mean the journey is over—they’re just part of the ride.
- Enhanced Creativity: Oddly enough, failure can be a spark for creativity. When a child bumps into a problem, they’re faced with a puzzle, nudging them to think in new ways. Maybe their first try didn’t work; maybe the second won’t either. But each try opens up a chance for a different approach, teaching them to find new paths where they thought none existed. This kind of problem-solving is what makes real-world creativity come alive.
- True Confidence: Confidence that only comes from winning can be pretty shaky; one setback, and it’s gone. But confidence built from both successes and failures? That kind of confidence is solid. When children see that failure doesn’t make them any less, they start to believe that their worth isn’t tied to getting things right every time. They learn that they’re enough, just as they are, with room to try, stumble, and grow. And that’s real confidence.
The Emotional Learning Process
Children’s emotional development is deeply intertwined with their ability to handle failure.
Learning to navigate and process emotions associated with failure is crucial for their overall development.
Experiencing failure helps children develop emotional regulation skills. When children encounter disappointment, they learn to manage their emotions, which is an essential skill for maintaining mental well-being.
This process includes recognizing their feelings, understanding their triggers, and developing coping mechanisms.
In fact, a study from the National Survey of Children’s Health involving over 40,000 children found that higher resilience levels significantly reduce the likelihood of developing depression in children.
Children who faced more adverse experiences but had stronger family problem-solving skills and higher emotional resilience were less likely to experience depression.
This emphasizes the critical role of resilience in emotional regulation and mental health development in response to failure.
For instance, a child who doesn’t win a competition might initially feel upset or frustrated. By learning to process these emotions and finding constructive ways to cope, such as talking to a trusted adult or engaging in a calming activity, they build emotional resilience.
Failure often necessitates problem-solving.
When children face challenges, they must assess the situation, identify potential solutions, and implement strategies to overcome the issue. This process enhances their critical thinking and problem-solving abilities.
If a child’s attempt at a challenging puzzle doesn’t succeed, they must analyze what went wrong and how they can approach the problem differently. This iterative process fosters a valuable problem-solving mindset. Such skills are applicable in many areas of life.
Balancing Guidance and Independence
- Ask Thoughtful Questions: Instead of throwing them a lifeline, try tossing a question their way. Not to leave them dangling, but to let them think it through. So, maybe, rather than saying, “Here’s what to do,” you could go with, “What do you feel like trying here?” It’s a funny little dance that gives them space to feel around for their own answer.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: When things don’t pan out as they hoped, let them sit with it, just for a beat. If they’ve had a rough moment, maybe a stumble on stage or a missed goal, settle in with them and wonder together: “What part felt good? What might you fiddle with next time?” It’s not about pointing out what’s wrong; it’s about getting curious with them, showing them there’s something to learn in every little tumble.
Teach them how to think, not what to think.
Encouraging Critical Thinking
“Critical thinking is self-guided, self-disciplined thinking which attempts to reason at the highest level of quality in a fair-minded way. People who think critically consistently attempt to live rationally, reasonably, empathically.”
Critical thinking is a vital skill that helps children navigate complex situations and make informed decisions. Here’s how to foster critical thinking.
Encourage children to engage in self-guided thinking by fostering their ability to reason independently. This involves promoting curiosity, asking open-ended questions, and encouraging them to explore various viewpoints.
For example, when a child faces a dilemma, ask them to consider different solutions and evaluate the pros and cons of each. This approach helps them develop analytical skills and learn to make reasoned decisions based on evidence and thoughtful consideration.
Teach children to reason fairly and empathetically.
This involves considering multiple perspectives and making balanced decisions that take into account the needs and viewpoints of others. Encourage your child to consider how their decisions might affect others and to approach problems with empathy and fairness.
For instance, if a child is working on a group project, guide them to consider the perspectives and contributions of their peers, promoting collaborative and fair-minded problem-solving.
Encourage Research and Fact-Checking
Teach children how to gather information from reliable sources. When they ask questions or make statements, guide them to do their own research to support or challenge their ideas.
This helps them develop fact-checking habits and understand the importance of evidence-based reasoning.
For instance, if they are curious about climate change, encourage them to read articles, watch documentaries, and verify facts from multiple sources.
Teach Cause-and-Effect Relationships
Help children understand the relationship between actions and outcomes by encouraging them to think about cause-and-effect scenarios.
For example, ask them, “What might happen if we don’t water the plants for a week?” or “How does studying for a test affect your performance?”
By thinking through these situations, children can better understand how their actions lead to certain results, promoting logical thinking and foresight.
The Misconception of Universal Success
It’s common to tell children they can achieve anything or that they excel at everything, but this approach can set unrealistic expectations. Here’s how to address this misconception:
- Realistic Expectations: Instead of suggesting that every venture will be a win, it’s helpful to guide children in understanding that not every effort ends in success. Yes, recognize what they’ve done well, but also make room for the idea that setbacks happen and that they matter just as much. It’s about seeing strengths and weaknesses as both valuable—each playing its role in the bigger picture. Not every task will be their strength, and that’s part of the journey.
- Embracing the Experience: Encourage children to embrace the process of learning and trying new things, even if they don’t excel at everything. The experience itself can be valuable and fulfilling.
Real confidence isn’t being the best at everything. It’s about seeing oneself clearly, with all the strengths and rough edges, and having the flexibility to pick oneself up after a stumble. True strength grows from a grounded sense of self—knowing that failure isn’t an end, but just another part of the journey.
To build true confidence, help children recognize both their strengths and weaknesses. Encourage them to understand their abilities and areas for improvement, fostering a balanced sense of self.
For example, if a child excels in sports but struggles academically, support their strengths in sports while also aiding their efforts to improve academically. This balanced perspective nurtures genuine self-confidence.
Asian Cultural Perspectives on Failure
Perspectives on failure in various Asian cultures bring a fresh lens to understanding setbacks and resilience. Let’s dive into some of these insights that shape how we might rethink perseverance and support through challenges.
- Emphasis on Perseverance: Many Asian cultures deeply value “staying power,” a resilience that’s less about winning and more about simply not backing down. The Japanese term “Ganbatte,” for example, nudges people to try hard, not necessarily to succeed but to give their best, come what may. Similarly, “Jia you“ in Chinese—loosely, “Add oil”—is a call to keep going, even when things look rough. These values go beyond results; they’re about giving everything you’ve got, with no guarantees.
- Collectivism and Saving Face: In collectivist cultures like Japan and South Korea, things get nuanced. Failure isn’t just personal; it’s social. There’s the concept of “saving face“—not letting down those around you. So, a stumble in school or work might feel heavier, with an added layer of responsibility to family or group reputation. It’s a double-edged sword: it can inspire, but it can also stress. Imagine feeling like every setback affects more than just you—it could shape a child’s whole approach to risk and resilience.
- Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: How does a child see failure? That view can hinge on mindset. A “fixed mindset” assumes talent or smarts are set in stone; failure, then, might feel like proof they’re just “not good enough.” In contrast, a “growth mindset” flips the script: skills can grow with effort, and mistakes are simply part of the climb. Many Eastern traditions foster both perspectives, blending humility about innate ability with an openness to growth. It’s a balance of striving hard without getting too hung up on one result.In many Asian American families, the cultural emphasis on hard work fosters a growth mindset, but high academic and social pressures can inadvertently create a fixed mindset if children equate their worth with results. Balancing high expectations with supportive encouragement is essential for developing resilience and a positive attitude toward setbacks, helping children see them as valuable learning experiences.
Final Takeaways
Helping children handle failure is like being their steady hand, guiding them through life’s inevitable stumbles. Imagine allowing them to fumble, stumble, even falter a bit—not to protect them from the world but to show them that rising after a fall can be powerful. It’s more than just confidence. It’s a quiet strength.
This is not about shielding. It’s about walking the fine line between being a guiding light and giving them room to find their way. Sometimes, they’ll make choices that aren’t perfect, but they’re theirs. And that’s where growth hides—in the choice, the trying, the learning.
Think about the cultural tapestries woven through many traditions, where perseverance is honored and setbacks are simply parts of the story. Asian cultures, for instance, infuse tales with layers of resilience—finding meaning in missteps and gathering wisdom in struggle.
Through these values, you’re not merely preparing them for success. You’re instilling a confidence that runs deeper, a resilience beyond just “getting it right.” It’s about knowing they are capable of navigating life’s twists.
Your role isn’t to catch them every time they stumble. It’s to remind them that falling doesn’t define them. The world can be a little wobbly, and setbacks will come, but each one is simply another step in the journey.
