My mother was a woman destined for success in everything she pursued.
With boundless passion and energy, coupled with unwavering discipline and effort, she began her career as a CPA at a growing insurance company.
Just as her career was set to soar, she made a key decision in her late thirties: she chose to retire and devote herself to raising my sister and me.
For my father, my sister, and me, her choice felt like the right one. Our family dynamic improved dramatically.
Instead of returning to an empty house, Mom greeted us with food and drink. My parents argued less. Our house was always clean, and our family seemed much happier.
Yet, beneath this happy home, my mother felt unfulfilled. She felt she had not reached the career peak she was meant for.
As the years passed, she couldn’t shake the lingering question: Was giving up her career—along with the professional success and financial security it promised—truly worth the fulfillment of being there for us?
The Dilemma of Choosing Between Career and Home
For parents deciding between family and career, is there a clear best choice? Regrets are inevitable, either way. In many ways, my mother’s decision shows the deep sacrifices parents make.
On one hand, she provided a stable, loving environment that shaped who I am today. On the other, this choice also came at a personal cost. She had to redirect the ambition and drive that propelled her professional success. She derived immense joy from raising us, but she still wondered what she could have accomplished if she had continued her career.
The financial implications were significant as well.
Two decades later, the insurance company she left grew significantly. The stock shares she would have earned had become millions of dollars lost.
The earnings, promotions, and stock options she forfeited were huge. These can be quantified, but what about the gains?
Can we measure the value of a well-cooked meal shared with family every night, or the emotional security of a parent always being present? These intangibles often tilt the scales in favor of family when parents weigh their options.
Ultimately, the right choice varies for each individual. Some find fulfillment in their careers, balancing family life with external support systems. Others focus on being the primary caregiver, finding satisfaction in the daily triumphs of parenting. Some don’t have a choice in the matter.
“Conventional wisdom holds that stay-at-home moms do so because they can afford not to work. Instead, experts say, many moms appear to be staying home with their kids because they can’t afford to work.”
This reveals an often-overlooked reality for many families: staying home isn’t always a luxury but sometimes a financial necessity. For some mothers, the cost of working can make staying home the more practical, if difficult, choice.
The Impact of Career and Home on Children
Are our children paying the price for our careers? Research suggests no.
Society seems to have a lot to say about the subject of mothers working. Despite the advances in gender equality, beliefs that families are negatively affected when mothers work still persist.
In a 2013 Pew Research survey, 51% of respondents reported a belief that children would be better off if their mother stayed home and did not hold a job; only 34% said they believed children would be just as well off if their mother worked.
According to a Harvard Research Study that provides data from two cross-national social surveys of more than 100,000 men and women from 29 countries, children of working moms grow up to be just as happy as children of stay-at-home moms.
In fact, having a working mom comes with potential benefits for adult children. For example, research findings suggest that when compared to stay-at-home moms:
- Children of working moms were found to have more education.
- Daughters of working moms have a higher chance of being employed, advancing their careers, and having higher annual earnings.
- Sons of working moms spend more time caring for their families when they are older.
The Flip Side
The impact of a parent’s choice to work or stay home depends a lot on each family’s unique situation.
For some kids, having a parent at home means constant support. They know someone will be there after school, ready to hear about their day or help with homework.
This steady presence gives kids a strong sense of security and belonging.
Studies even suggest that kids with a stay-at-home parent might perform slightly better in school, likely because of the extra time and guidance available to them.
This parental presence goes beyond simply being there physically; it’s about being emotionally present. A parent at home can provide reassurance, encouragement, and understanding. Children feel valued and supported, knowing they have someone they can always rely on.
This emotional bond helps build their confidence, letting them tackle challenges with trust and resilience.
Kids of working moms, however, often gain different but equally valuable lessons. Watching a parent balance work and family teaches them independence and responsibility.
Daughters may feel inspired to pursue their own goals, seeing that they too can aim high. Sons often grow up with a deeper appreciation for family roles, learning that supporting one another is a shared responsibility.
Ultimately, it’s not about whether a parent works or stays home. What matters most is the love, attention, and presence parents provide.
It’s the moments spent together—sharing stories, helping with homework, or just being there when it counts—that shape their happiness and success.
Each family finds its own way, and the best path is the one that creates a foundation of warmth and care, helping kids grow with confidence.
The Role of Daycare
Daycare often comes into play for working parents. Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives.
Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
- Quality of Daycare: Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.
- Home Environment: Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.
Mental Health Considerations
Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. Research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work or stay at home and her mental health is complex.
A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that mothers who were employed during their children’s infancy and preschool years reported better overall health and fewer symptoms of depression than stay-at-home moms.
This by no means implies that stay-at-home mothers are doing a disservice to their children or themselves. It means that mothers can feel empowered to make a decision about whether or not to work without taking societal norms and expectations into account.
It means women can make a decision based on their particular situation and what works best for them.
When we stop striving to have it all, we can focus on what is in line with our needs and our values and prioritize our time and resources accordingly without worrying if choosing a career is damaging our children.
It’s not. They’ll be okay. And if you still find yourself struggling to conquer that working mom guilt, know that it’s a common experience and there are resources available to help manage these feelings.
The Asian American Perspective
For many Asian American families, the choice between staying at home or continuing to work feels like a tug-of-war between dreams and duty. Cultural expectations run deep. For parents, success isn’t just about their own ambitions; it’s about laying a foundation for their children’s future. They feel the weight of this responsibility, a mix of pride and pressure that colors every choice.
Asian American parents live with a dual mandate: strive professionally but uphold traditional family roles. They aim to give their kids every advantage, to open doors that were closed to them. The path to a “better life” means hard work, and often, that means working outside the home. But there’s also a pull toward tradition, a feeling that to raise a strong family, someone should always be there. In many Asian cultures, family is sacred, and time spent with children is as much a duty as a joy.
Yet, for immigrants, there’s often no simple choice. The reality of building a life in a new country demands sacrifice. Dual incomes are often essential to meet basic needs or to support family back home. So, parents face a dilemma: do they stay home to provide that direct support and presence, or do they work to create financial security for their family?
My mother faced this choice, too.
She decided to stay home, not because it was easy but because it felt right. She believed in giving us a stable, loving home, even if it meant setting aside her career dreams.
Her decision was more than personal; it was tied to our Asian American values, where family and education come first. For her, staying home was a choice that spoke to her deepest beliefs, her way of giving us the best start possible.
Choose What is Right for Your Family
For my mother, the decision was clear but complex. She chose to nurture her family, creating a home filled with love, security, and cherished memories. She set aside her career ambitions and found a different kind of success. It was measured in the strong bonds and happy moments we shared as a family.
Reflecting now, I see that her sacrifice was more than money or career success. It’s clear in the stability and confidence she gave us. It’s in the lessons of love and dedication she taught.
And it’s in the many joyful moments she created. Her decision wasn’t just about giving up a job. It was about prioritizing a life that placed family first. I feel lucky that she could.
For those parents at the crossroads, debating which path to take, remember this: there is no single right or wrong choice. It’s about aligning with your values, finding inner peace, and fostering an environment where your family can thrive.
Regrets may linger, but so too will moments of profound happiness and fulfillment. In the end, it’s these moments that shape our lives and leave an enduring impact on those we cherish.
Understanding the specific cultural and financial pressures faced by Asian American families can add a valuable dimension to the conversation.
Whether choosing to stay at home or join the labor force, the decision must be personalized, taking into account both individual aspirations and family needs.
The key is to find a balance that allows for both personal fulfillment and a nurturing family environment.
