If you are someone who’s been blessed with an older brother or sister, have you ever thought about all the things they have to go through?
Did you know that they have to juggle being your unofficial second parent, family diplomat, and the overachieving role model all at once?
Or maybe you are the oldest, and you’re sitting there thinking, “Yep, that’s me, trying to hold it all together.” Either way, this is for you.
Being the oldest can feel like a full-time job, especially in Asian families, where the expectations are next-level.
You’re not just the firstborn—you’re the family’s prototype.
You’re the one blazing the trail, testing every boundary, and figuring out how to meet those sky-high standards. Grades? Don’t even bother coming home with a B. Behavior? Act out once and you’ll see what happens. And don’t even think about complaining, because you are setting an example for your brother or sister.
Sounds like it sucks, right? But let’s be honest, it’s not all bad. Being the firstborn comes with unique challenges but also a sense of pride.
You experience everything first. Your siblings, even if they don’t admit it, often see you as their role model and guide.
The sacrifices are real, but so is the impact you’ve made. You’ve paved the way and made life easier for them.
Whether you’re the eldest feeling seen or the younger sibling realizing the privilege of having an amazing brother or sister, this is for you. Let’s dive into oldest child syndrome.
The Experience of Oldest Child Syndrome
Being the eldest in an Asian family is no easy task. High expectations, heavy responsibilities, and constant challenges come with the role. My sister, the eldest in our family, faced these struggles every day.
She cared for me while managing our parents’ strict expectations for her behavior and success. They demanded perfection, leaving little room for her to pursue her own interests. Any mistakes brought severe consequences, while I, the youngest, enjoyed far more freedom and leniency.
Despite the restrictions, she still found joy in the things she loved. Our parents allowed her some hobbies, though always under close watch. Her freedom was limited compared to mine, but she made it work.
Looking back, I see her sacrifices and strength. She paved the way for me, carrying the weight of expectations with resilience.
Emotional Burden and Sacrifice
Being the eldest meant my sister had to make countless sacrifices, big and small. She gave up social outings and personal interests, putting her own dreams on hold to meet the family’s needs.
She was always the one stepping up, whether it was helping around the house or guiding me through childhood. Her responsibilities always came first, often at the expense of her own time and dreams. Those sacrifices shaped her into someone deeply responsible and dependable, but they also left her wondering about the things she had to give up.
The missed opportunities and the dreams she couldn’t fully chase weighed on her, leaving a quiet sense of what might have been.
The emotional weight of her role was equally heavy. She often found herself stuck between our parents’ high expectations and her own desires. Navigating that delicate balance brought constant inner conflict and frustration. She wanted to carve out her own path, but the pressure to meet the family’s standards always loomed large.
On top of that, her role as my caretaker probably made her grow up faster than she should have. While I had the freedom to enjoy a more relaxed childhood, she gave up pieces of her own so I could have an easier life. The sacrifices she made shaped her into a strong and resilient person, but it came at a cost that only she truly understands.
The Double Standards
Growing up, my sister had to navigate a world of double standards. She had to fight for every bit of freedom she got, while I could enjoy more leniency. For example:
- Curfews: She had to beg our parents to let her sleep over at a friend’s house or stay out late, while I was allowed to come home much later with fewer questions.
- Relationships: My parents were very particular about her dating life but cared a lot less when it came to me.
- Responsibilities: She was expected to excel academically and take care of more around the house, while my responsibilities were lighter.
These double standards extended into various aspects of our lives. For instance, when it came to household chores, my sister was expected to take on a significant portion, while I had minimal duties.
The difference in expectations often led to feelings of short-term resentment and unfairness. She had to constantly prove her worth and reliability, whereas I was given more opportunities to explore and make mistakes.
The Role of Cultural Brokers
According to a study led by Kaidi Wu, a doctoral candidate in social psychology at the University of Michigan, Asian-American firstborns often feel an additional burden of being cultural brokers.
They have to take care of their immigrant parents and younger siblings simultaneously. This dual responsibility creates significant pressure, often leading to greater depression and anxiety.
These firstborns are the bridge between two cultures, managing the expectations of their parents while trying to fit into the society they are growing up in.
This role can be both a source of pride and a heavy burden.
A major part of it is that there is a strong motivation to become role models for their younger siblings.
This is particularly true in Asian-American families, where firstborns are expected to take on significant caregiving and cultural brokering responsibilities, regardless of gender.
The eldest child often becomes the de facto leader among siblings, expected to set a good example and sometimes even take on parenting roles when their parents are working or otherwise occupied.
Sharon Chau, in her article for Oxford University’s Student Newspaper, described the curse of being the eldest Asian daughter.
She talked about being a mediator, a family therapist, and a secretary for her family.
This resonates with many eldest daughters in Asian families who often bear the brunt of family responsibilities.
Parental Expectations
In many Asian families, the firstborn is not merely a child but a symbol of the family’s aspirations and cultural pride.
The firstborn often carries the weight of being the “torchbearer” of family honor and success.
Parents often see the firstborn as the family’s role model, putting huge expectations on their shoulders. Their achievements—or mistakes—set the standard for their younger siblings. This means the oldest often grows up with a strict and structured upbringing, leaving little room to explore their own interests.
The pressure to succeed is everywhere. They’re expected to get top grades, follow family traditions, and take on responsibilities well beyond their years. For many parents, the firstborn’s success isn’t just personal—it reflects the family’s pride and reputation.
But this pressure comes with sacrifices. The oldest often gives up personal freedom and feels like they’re always walking a tightrope. Any misstep can bring disapproval or added pressure to “fix” things. Their own dreams and interests often get pushed aside to meet these high expectations.
This can make life feel heavy for the firstborn. They’re not just figuring out who they are—they’re doing it while carrying the weight of family pride. It’s important to recognize this and appreciate the unique challenges they face growing up in this role.
Mental Health Challenges
Being the oldest child isn’t a role that draws much sympathy, but it’s a weight that can quietly erode mental health.
Studies from Epic, a firm that manages a majority of electronic health records across the United States, suggest firstborns face a 50% higher likelihood of dealing with anxiety and a 30% greater risk of depression than their younger siblings. While these statistics might seem extreme, they reflect the constant demands and pressures that eldest children navigate.
Anxiety often takes the lead in their struggles. The looming fear of failure, relentless expectations, and an unyielding drive for success create a storm that rarely lets up. It’s more than a mental strain—it often shows up physically as migraines, stomach issues, or chronic sleep problems.
Depression, too, can seep in without notice. Many eldest children find themselves losing interest in things they once enjoyed, feeling stuck in a cycle of sadness or numbness. Their energy is spent looking after others, leaving little room to care for their own needs. Over time, their self-worth becomes tied entirely to how well they meet expectations or accomplish goals.
For many, reaching out for help feels unattainable. The idea of showing weakness or admitting struggles may clash with the image of strength they believe they need to maintain. This is where families can play a transformative role: fostering conversations about mental health, creating space for vulnerability, and encouraging support like therapy can make all the difference.
Acknowledging the unique challenges eldest children face isn’t just thoughtful—it’s critical. With understanding and support, they can find space to care for themselves while managing their responsibilities.
Tips for Helping Eldest Siblings Manage Stress
Being the eldest is certainly difficult in many ways, but there are things that can lighten the load. Whether you’re a parent looking to support your firstborn or the eldest child learning to prioritize your own well-being, here are some practical tips:
For Parents:
- Recognize Their Efforts:
- Acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices your eldest makes, no matter how small. A simple “thank you” goes a long way in making them feel seen and valued.
- Adjust Expectations:
- Avoid placing all your hopes and dreams on their shoulders. Set realistic, flexible goals that allow them to explore their own interests.
- Share Responsibilities:
- Distribute household duties more evenly among siblings to ensure the eldest doesn’t feel like they’re carrying the entire burden.
- Encourage Open Communication:
- Create a safe space where your eldest can express their struggles without fear of judgment. Listen to them and offer emotional support when they need it.
- Celebrate Their Individuality:
- Support their passions and let them know it’s okay to deviate from traditional paths. Their happiness matters just as much as their achievements.
For Eldest Siblings:
- Set Boundaries:
- Learn to say no when the demands become overwhelming. You’re allowed to prioritize your well-being without feeling guilty.
- Find an Outlet:
- Whether it’s journaling, exercising, or pursuing a hobby, having a space to de-stress and recharge is vital for maintaining mental health.
- Seek Support:
- Talk to friends, siblings, or even a therapist about what you’re going through. You don’t have to carry the weight alone.
- Redefine Success:
- Focus on what success means to you, not just what’s been defined by your family. Allow yourself the freedom to dream your own dreams.
- Practice Self-Compassion:
- Remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.
By fostering understanding, sharing responsibilities, and prioritizing emotional well-being, we can help eldest siblings navigate their unique challenges with less stress and more support. Whether you’re a parent or the firstborn yourself, remember: thriving is a team effort.
A Tribute to Our Eldest Siblings
Oldest child syndrome is very real, and conquering it is no easy feat! It is often a delicate balance of meeting high expectations while making personal sacrifices. Despite what you think you know about your older sibling, it is a role filled with challenges that shape a person in ways only they can fully understand. And even though they go through some extreme pressures and miss some precious opportunities, eldest children develop an incredible sense of resilience and loyalty to their families.
Taking the time to recognize their journey can build deeper empathy and create a more supportive home environment. Whether you’re the eldest or have one in your life, appreciating their efforts and offering support makes a meaningful difference.
Let’s take a moment to celebrate our eldest siblings. Their dedication and strength deserve recognition, and their role in the family is something to honor with pride and gratitude.
